Gina Lawless Books

February 26, 2012

Metaphors for Steps Away

Filed under: Poetry — Gina Lawless @ 6:12 pm

For My Son On His Birthday 2011

The first time you took a step away from me, and I let go of your hand, your hands and legs all sprawled out for purchase, was more important to you than clutching my hand for balance and security.

I saw in your eyes, the freedom that you had claimed, even if temporarily.

The sparkling smile on your face was palpable as your body went faster than your legs.

The second time you stepped away from me, and I let go of your hand, I kissed your rosy cheek with tears in my eyes, and let you go toward things I could not teach you.

I needed to put my faith in your teachers, and it broke my heart to watch you walk through the halls of your educators, and away from me.

The third time you stepped away from me, I waved good-bye, as you left for your first job. Again, my heart broke, realizing that my little boy was becoming a man, and leaving behind those funny, happy days of youth and play. You had made a step toward independence.

The forth time I watched you step away from me, you had the hand of a young lady in yours, and pride in your eyes. Yet again, it broke my heart mercilessly knowing that I was no longer the center of yours.

The last time was me stepping away from you to begin a new life, not realizing that you were the one not quite ready to let go of my hand. You still needed me close in case you fell or faltered. To be there to talk to, to lean on. You needed me to understand that you were not ready to let go. All those times I let you step away, I knew you would return and you knew that I would be there…waiting for you.

I am here, and always will be. I’m never too far away to listen. I’m never so far away that I can’t feel your anguish, happiness, and love. But, I should have known the day you were born that you weren’t quite ready to leave me. Fighting so hard to stay warm and comfortable within the confines of my belly. You had to know there was a cold harsh world out there waiting for you, waiting to turn your warm world into an unknown bewilderment.

I could have made life easier for you, but then you wouldn’t be who you are.

I could have stayed for your sake, but I knew you didn’t need me to breath.

I could have given you more, but I knew you wouldn’t seek your own path if I did.

The love I have for my children is insurmountable. That will never change, no matter how far apart we are. My pride is extensive when I think of my beauties. There is nothing in this world, that I have done or created, or achieved that comes close to the wonderment of you.

I love you without regard, or regret.

I love you without needing any forethought as to the outcome.

I love you more than the orange and pink sunrise on the most glorious of days, the most spectacular golden purple sunset ever created.

I love you with my entire soul, knowing that if I should leave this earth, I take you with me.

This day, and all the rest that come, I wish you peacefulness without complication. I wish you love in the most precious, seducing, all-encompassing way that you can possibly find. To know a love that flips you upside down and turns your stomach to jelly, that leaves you feeling that you can’t possibly live without it. To feel that love, to sense it, touch it, and know it…that is what I wish for you.

I will never be the type of mother who needs to call you everyday to see what you’re doing because I never had that growing up into a young lady. I hope you understand that. I have done a great job raising my babies to be strong, and independent people. I love myself for that. However distant you may think I am, I think about you daily, dream about you, and still worry endlessly. I will until I, or you, take our last breath, and then beyond to whatever there is out there.


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